


Something Something

by WithoutTwin



Series: Let me fade [1]
Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, This is probably going to hurt your heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 07:57:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14351235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithoutTwin/pseuds/WithoutTwin
Summary: Nicolaj Jensen was very much in love with Zachary Scuderi. The thing is, Zachary is very sneaky sneaky… and Nicolaj barely knows Zach past the surface.





	Something Something

**Author's Note:**

> A little one shot that started writing itself when C9 lost during worlds, but didn’t actually finish until now. Whoops. Sorry if some of the details aren’t correct, they’re a little fuzzy in my head now, but I wanted to finish it as soon as I could. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Self Harm

When the words “defeat” floated across the screen, it was like Zachary “Sneaky” Scuderi couldn’t breathe. The roars of the crowd and the voices in the comms just went to silence around him, surrounding him in this blanket of familiar uncomfortable disappointment for a brief moment before all of the little details came rushing back to him. Nicolaj ran his hand through his hair while Juan looked very much like the inexperienced teenager he is. With a sigh, Zach leaned forward, shook his hair into place after taking off his headset, and stood up, eyes coming back into cool indifference and face sliding into appropriate sorrow.

  
When they walked off stage, his hands found Nicolaj’s shoulders easily, leaving his warm hands on the thin boy in an effort of comfort, trying to forget the disaster that happened on stage, and just breathe. Zach isn’t even sure if he can understand the words Reapered and the others are saying, but years of practice made it so he knew what the words meant and nodded appropriately. He smiled at Andy who was trying cheer up Juan and nodded at Eon-young and Repeared who were having some conversation in Korean. Nicolaj just stared at his phone, the only sign he was upset being the constant pressure of his arm pressing against Zach’s body. Zach wanted to stay, but the silence was getting to the point of being overwhelming, like the walls were pressing in and Nicolaj’s comfortable pressure was slowly turning unbearable. He glanced at the clock, did some quick mental math, and figured that the bathrooms were empty enough at this point in time.

  
So like always, he just kissed Nicolaj lightly on the head and hoped he said something along the lines of going to the bathroom.

 

 _It’s not like it’s that much different,_  
_Staring at the mirror in the empty bathroom._  
_Juan already broken, and Nicolaj_  
_already heading towards the cold fire inside._  
_I can’t stay in that blanket of silence,_  
_I need to be not empty,_  
_Need to be warm and toasty,_  
_But I’m only warm after my nails dig into my skin,_  
_Into my belly and back that is hidden by the jersey,_  
_Into my legs that are hidden by my pants._  
_Under my own name I’m being very sneaky,_  
_Look alive, look alive._

 

Nicolaj’s face always lights up a little bit more when there’s fans desperately calling his name, hoping to shake hands with him, hoping to give the gifts they’ve carefully curated and made. His eyes dance with mirth when he turns to look at Zach, but he has known Zach long enough to see that flash of despair and has known Zach long enough to sometimes know when his face is a mask versus when his face is genuine. He turns to see a girl shove a bag into his hands with her friend dragging Zach closer, reaches in to pull out plushies of them two. Maybe he gripped Zach’s arm too tightly, but he forces him to smile for a picture of them with the gifts; and maybe he acted oblivious to Zach’s look of anger, but he forces himself to not be swayed and forces himself to be a good (not officially public) boyfriend for Zach.

  
The bus ride back to the hotel was painfully quiet as all the members just sat there and turned to the passing city to hold themselves together just a little bit longer.  
When they get back to the room, Nicolaj can see Zach twitch towards the bed to probably just sleep everything off and ignore Nicolaj again, act like he couldn’t see the pain that the other was hiding. So he grabbed Zach’s arm and turned him around and fought with his words about how he doesn’t have to hide how devasted he is by the loss.  
But he didn’t expect Zach to fight back with how he doesn’t have to care and it isn’t a big deal and that he will be okay. But he didn’t expect to hear hurtful words hurled back at him and, as much as he knows it’s how Zach copes, he can’t help but feel those words add fuel to the cold fire burning inside, so he leaves the room with a slam and goes to talk to Andy for a bit.

  
And Zach just sits back onto the bead, his head heavy in his own hands as he fights the urge to dig his nails in deeper into his skin. He knows he can’t relish in the pain without risking Nicolaj finding little red lines all over his body trying to stitch his broken self together.

  
So instead he spends the next ten minutes pushing the two beds together and making all the sheets fall perfectly. The bruise that might have formed on his side by the time Nicolaj came back was obviously accidental and couldn’t he see that I was trying to do something nice, I’m so sorry for exploding.

 

 _I can t feel them_  
_but it doesn t matter I am_  
_but a happy little fire afloat in the sea_  
_I m always alone_  
_and they can never know_  
_I m always alone_  
_with nothing but the pain_  
_as it glides across my skin_

 

When they wake up in the morning it is very clear that the tension between the two of them hasn’t been cleared up and it is very very clear to the rest of the team that something drastic happened to them. Jack went to go talk to them, but Andy just stops him knowing that there is very little that Jack could do to help them in this. Jack looks mournfully on, but as a married man he knows these things need to be worked through on their own if they are to survive.

  
He just couldn’t help but feel like there’s something more to this than a stupid lover’s spat.

  
The rest of the team sighed a bit of relief when the two of them are engaged in some very clearly make-up kissing at the end of breakfast. Even innocent little Juan was unnerved by the amount of deadly silence between the two and they all shared a little humorous look between all of them on how their tension always resulted in them making out in public. It’s a wonder after all how they’ve gone this far without being discovered by the fans. Andy might have laughed a little too loudly when Robin went up to their table unnoticed and grabbed the back of their heads and pushed them together even harder.

 

The little giggles made the long plane flight home a little easier.

 

Then it’s just Zach and Nicolaj again in LA. As much as they felt as if their problems were generally cleared up, Nicolaj still mentions how he wished Zach would open up more after their good-bye kiss. He doesn’t hear Zach’s little internal voice ranting about how of course he can’t tell his beloved Nicolaj about how the emptiness eats him away inside and how after every loss and even sometimes after victories the little darkness creeps up and claws at his skin demanding to be traced demanding to be marked to remind myself of how the emptiness will never leave and how the loneliness will never fade no matter how much you love me and how much you care for me and how much you know of me. He doesn’t hear Zach’s little internal voice crying about how I would only drag you down with the amount of self-hate and emptiness and I can’t do that to you you’re too sweet and caring and beautiful to even taint with the shadows in my life and even if I refuse to let you know of this pressing guilt and grief I am okay with just having you on my side.

But Nicolaj doesn’t hear that, and while he might have noticed a little trace of something flicker in Zach’s eyes, he believes the words Zach says he will try harder to open up more and that he loves me very much and he just isn’t feeling well probably from the long plane flight. Nicolaj simply glides his thin fingers down Zach’s face, gives him one more quick kiss on the lips and then on the cheeks and then slowly on top of his head, and tells him he will text Zach when he lands back in his mother country.

  
Zach just leans into the touch and closes his eyes through the kisses and nods with the mention of the text, of the little bubble that rises in his chest with how affectionate Nicolaj really is; and when he watches Nicolaj walk into the terminal for international flights, that bubble of joy bursts as spears of darkness whisper that Nicolaj doesn’t love him enough to stay one night in LA with him before flying away back to a country that Zach couldn’t even communicate with if he wanted to. And those spears puncture his poor beaten heart thoroughly, so he just goes home, walks into his room, and runs his nails deep into the skin of his body easily hidden by his clothing. Zach knows he can’t break the skin, but the self-torture of not eating and not drinking and repeatedly digging into his skin is enough to welcome the dark dark corners clawing themselves into his vision.

  
Zach isn’t even sure if he would wake up this time.

  
But he wonders what will happen first: him getting up or someone actually coming to find him.

 

 _it s lonely_  
_so dark so empty so something_  
_something i m so tired something_  
_something something notice me something something_

 

Jensen-daddy: Finally landed home :)

 

Jensen-daddy: You there?

 

Jensen-daddy: You okay?

 

Jensen-daddy: Zach?

**Author's Note:**

> Yay for my first fic :D


End file.
